Raw Fanfictioonage
by OverMaster
Summary: See, it's a funny title because it's a play on a very obscure Disney showcase show, just like this... ahh, forget it. I'm weird like that. How weird? My favorite Princess is actually Lottie, who's not even a real princess, but oh she's hammy and funny and flawed and yet so sweet and pretty and a rich white who hugs Afroamericans in the South of the twenties. I wuv Tiana too BTW.


The Walt Disney Company owns the overwhelming majority of the characters depicted here, including the Marvel Comics ones. I'm making no money from them.

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><p><strong>RAW FANFICTIOONAGE.<strong>

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><p><strong>Akin Spirits?<strong>

Shan Yu's dark eyes narrowed intensely when she bunched her hair back.

"The soldier at the mountain pass," he recognized her. Mulan nodded, and for a moment, she expected for him to lash out in savage anger.

Instead, Shan Yu took a step back, took a hand to his shirt, and ripped it open, revealing, other than a mass of chiseled and scarred muscle, two large breasts barely contained by thick bandages all over them.

Mulan's eyes shrank down to black dots.

The voice remained gruff and deep, but now Shan Yu talked in a somewhat lower, less manly tone. "To know, after all this time, another woman who would bravely fight and dominate in a man's world from the inside. I had come to believe I was alone. Instead, today, despite all I have lost, I have finally found some solace. My congratulations, brave child."

"Uhhhh..." Mulan said.

"So," Shan Yu's powerful arms folded, "would you like going to do some girl things? I haven't done girl things in a while. I don't know. Some throat slashing. Village burning. Pillaging? I like the shoes you have in this city..."

"Uhhhh..." Mulan said.

"Oh, for all the- Don't tell me you'd prefer shopping for them! Shopping is for sissies!"

* * *

><p><strong>Dark Dog Victory.<strong>

It had been quite a good class reunion party, actually.

"Ah, ha ha ha, do you still remember the day we had these pictures taken, Donald...?" Mickey asked, as they flipped through their old graduation yearbook.

"Do I!" Donald chuckled. "Heh heh, just look at Goofy's picture..."

Under it, they had written, back then, _Least Likely to Ever Have Children_.

"Oh, hey, guys!" Goofy walked closer, followed by his teenage son and a very cute girl walking arm to arm with the boy. "Gawrsh, I have been meaning to, but I haven't introduced you yet to Max's girlfriend Roxanne, have I?"

Suddenly, Mickey and Donald grew drops of sweat on their heads, as Minnie and Daisy gave them painfully sharp stares...

* * *

><p><strong>Our Princes are Different<strong>.

"Changed by a sorceress?" the Beast asked.

The llama nodded. "Changed by a sorceress. Well, I think I'm being generous. More like 'Changed by a really crazy old advisor lady who plays around with evil potions', but... yeah, same difference, I guess."

"Changed by a witch doctor, but yes, yes, those are only semantics, in the end..." the frog sighed.

Then they all looked at the snowman with the small cloud hanging above his head. "You?" the Beast asked.

"Uh, no. I've always been this way, " the snowman said, shaking his head.

"Well, but then you aren't really a prince!" protested the llama.

The snowman hummed deeply, rubbing his... chin... in concentration for a few moments before shrugging. "I suppose that I am, since it seems I was created by a queen! That counts, right?"

"Uhhhhh..." the frog doubted. "Eh, sure, why not!"

Since he was the only available prince left by the end of it all, Olaf married Lottie. But don't ask for any details, please.

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><p><strong>The Magical World of To Love Ru!<strong>

"... I can't believe it," Rito finally said, in a weak and low tone.

"What can't you believe?" asked Ariel. "That I'm actually a mermaid? That Mulan used to pose as a man? That Aurora is really sixteen? That-"

"Hey," Aurora interrupted her, "I *am* sixteen! And I prefer going by Briar Rose, thank you very much!"

(So your answer is no, arranged marriages don't tend to end well, and even first kisses while you're comatose don't help them that much).

"No, no, I don't mean any of that!" Rito said, excitedly but in a clean way. "We've been talking to you girls for more than a hour now, and I haven't bumped into any of you yet! I haven't stumbled and sunk my face into your crotches! It's so... so exhilarating! So wonderful!"

Lilo blinked, then asked, "... are you a Pleakley, Mr. Rito?"

"Shhhh...!" Nani hushed her.

Rito began prancing around the girls, happily, tossing his hands up. "Oh happy day! Finally, I'm free from that curse! The heavens smile upon me again! No more accidents!"

Jiminy Cricket huffed, climbing on top of Belle's head. "Of course not, boy! You are in wholesome family entertainment now! No way we'll allow you to engage into crass sexual comedy routines again!"

"Yipee!" Rito danced. "Look at me, look at me! I'm jumping on a foot, and I'm not falling, I'm surrounded by girls and I'm not falling on them! I'm free, I'm free now!"

Slowly, Anna tilted her eyes towards her sister, as if asking for guidance on what to do next. Elsa just shrugged. Alice, in the meanwhile, gulped and hid behind a stonefaced Megara. Tiana began grimacing in a mixture of pity and disgust.

"No more accidents!" Rito sang. "No more pratfalls! No more Accidental Pervert moments! No more, no more, anymore! And best of all, no more hits to the he-

***WHAM!***

The rest of the girls and the cricket now stared at the very long haired blonde holding a dented frying pan and standing behind the fallen and unconscious Rito.

"... what?!" Rapunzel cried. "He WAS creeping you out, too! Don't even try to deny it!"

* * *

><p><strong>My Pet can Beat Yours Up!<strong>

The firefly flew in, belligerently zooming around, back and forth and in circles too, as if looking for a fight.

The chameleon shot its tongue up and swallowed the firefly down.

The seagull flew down, picked the chameleon up, and ate it down.

Then the pug and the raccoon jumped down on the seagull, ripping it to shreds together.

But then the majestic white horse approached them and stomped them down to a pulp with several strikes of a single hoof.

Right after which, of course, the tiger on whom a monkey wearing a fez rode leapt on the horse and mauled it.

Followed by a small, harmless looking even if rather ugly, dog approaching the tiger and monkey. As the big cat growled and turned his attentions towards the dog, said dog went bipedal, grew an extra pair of limbs, and pulled out a couple of blasters from his fur, which he promptly used to shoot the tiger and monkey to a fine red mist, as he cackled madly.

Then Lilo looked at Tiana, Rapunzel, Pocahontas, Ariel and Jasmine and smirked.

They scowled.

Meanwhile, the huge, obese alligator huddled into a corner hugged his own tail and sobbed to himself, traumatized...

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><p><strong>Stars<strong>.

"Hey, Timon," Pumbaa asked, as the three of them rested on their backs on the grass, "ever wonder what those sparkly dots are up there?"

"Pumbaa, I don't wonder; I know," Timon replied.

"Oh," said Pumbaa. "What are they?"

"They're fireflies. Fireflies that, uh... got stuck up on that big bluish-black thing."

"Oh, gee. I always thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away."

"Um, no," Louis piped in. "They're fireflies. Really, fireflies."

"No joke?" asked Pumbaa.

"Do you think I'd joke on that with you?" Timon huffed.

The fat alligator nodded. "Fireflies, absolutely. Trust me, it happened to a friend of mine..."

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><p><strong>Not any Prince will Do<strong>.

**Clown Prince of Crime**.

He took Aurora's sleeping body away, carved a wide bloody smile on her face, then hung her at his living room as a conversation piece.

Harley wasn't very pleased.

**Prince of Ostia**.

"A state of suspended animation, hmmm?" Negi pondered.

Then he stuck her in with Asuna, leaving a memo to himself to kiss her when they both would wake up, so they would have some female company they could relate to.

Unfortunately, he died long before that anyway, so Asuna, understandably creeped out by waking up next to a corpse, buried Aurora and walked away innocently whistling to herself.

**Fresh Prince of Bel Air**.

Carlton never stopped whining about being outdone so badly.

**Prince Albert in a Can**.

"- so that's why I hurt so much down there?" Aurora asked.

Philip nodded sheepishly.

She slapped him hard.

**Prince of all Saiyans**.

"Kissing her?" he growled. "Don't be stupid, Kakarrot! For once, I get a woman who won't keep yelling at me, and do you want me to throw that away?!"

* * *

><p><strong>Phineas and Negi<strong>.

The day Candace became Candace Springfield, her mother brought her and her baby brother before a tall, handsome young man (rather younger than Mom, come to think about it, which Candace already could recognize was quite scandalous. But, as she'd learn later, her new father had a history of liking older women) who held a tiny kid around Phineas' age by a hand.

Linda smiled, placing both hands on Candace's shoulders. "Candace, dear, this is your second Dad, Nagi Springfield from Wales, and this is your new baby brother, Negi..."

* * *

><p><em>There's 104 days of summer vacation<em>

_And Merdiana comes along just to end it_

_So the annual problem for our generation_

_Is finding a good way to spend it..._

_Like maybe..._

_Building a rocket_

_Fighting a ghost controlling zombies_

_Or building a space elevator tower_

_Discovering something that doesn't exist ("Hey!")_

_Or giving a wolfboy a shower ("Isn't that cruel?" Negi wondered)_

_Surfing tidal waves_

_Creating nanobots_

_Or locating Chachamaru's brain ("It's over here!")_

_Finding a talking dolphin_

_Painting the Ostian continent_

_Or driving your sister insane ("Phineas!" )_

_As you can see_

_There's a whole lot of stuff to do_

_Before magic school starts this fall ("Come on, Chamo")_

_So stick with us 'cause Phineas and Negi_

_Are gonna do it all_

_So stick with us 'cause Phineas and Negi are_

_Gonna do it all!_

Candace walked in with a deep tired sigh, pointed at them, and then screamed, "Mom! Phineas and Negi are making an alternate continuity!"

* * *

><p><strong>What's in a Name?<strong>

"You know," Captain America mused aloud then, as they walked out of the Bugle's building, "come to think about it, I don't think I've ever been told... what does the first 'J' stand for, anyway?"

"Oh, that. Jennifer," Spider-Man said.

Cap gave him a shocked stare. "You're joking."

"Hm, nope. There are some things even I won't joke about. I'm serious!" he said, one hand on his heart.

"But, why-"

"His mother really, _really_ wanted a girl, or at least that's what Robbie once told Peter," he shrugged. "No wonder he's such a crank, huh? If only he wasn't so old fashioned and stubborn, he'd have changed it to something better fitting him, like... Janine!"

"I'm actually sort of shocked you don't use that to rile him up," Cap confessed.

"Hey, as I told you, I have my limits, too. Besides, I'd never mock an old girl."

Steve, who was old and had been called girl names quite often in his youth as well, could sympathize, so he only nodded and changed the venue of conversation.

* * *

><p><strong>What If Frank Castle's Son Had Survived the Central Park Massacre Instead of Him?<strong>

Batman.

* * *

><p><strong>Oh, Now you Did it<strong>.

Sesshouin Kiara smiled at her Servant as they left the movie theater.

"Well?" she asked. "Would you mind giving me a review now?"

Caster frowned slightly. "You are a highly twisted and perverse woman."

THAT kickstarted his long, honestly scathing review of Kiara's character. THEN he began with the _Little Mermaid_-_Frozen_ double feature she had taken him to.

* * *

><p><strong>Aspects of Ourselves<strong>.

"Belldandy?" Keiichi said, walking in. "Ah, there you are, I was starting to wonder- Ahhhh..." he trailed off.

Before him, Belldandy, Urd and Skuld sat closely together, without eyes in their eyesockets, and passing a single eye from one to another.

"Um, yeah, well, we had been fixing a few emergency matters over at Greece," Urd explained, pushing the eye into her face as Skuld complained it was her turn.

Keiichi turned around and walked out. "I'll come back... later," he weakly said.

* * *

><p><strong>Once Upon a Time, Part 1<strong>.

Cinderella blinked. "Two... Two at once? Are, are you serious?"

Chel smirked impishly and nodded.

Snow took a small hand to her small mouth and let go a small gasp. Megara's eyebrows went up in an interested and interesting fashion. Anna had paled terribly, while Elsa just looked disgusted. Ariel's eyes had shrank down, while Tiana's had dilatated just as much. Merida simply looked back and forth between them, asking "What? What? I don't get it!"

Pocahontas rasped softly. "To be completely honest, just as you have been, in my latest birthday, John visited John and me, and, well, they granted me a special request..."

Elsa began gagging on her drink.

The rest of them looked over at where Tulio and Miguel had been teaching Aladdin and Eugene how to play dice, and the four of them already were plucking the rest of the guys off.

So that was the last time they invited any Dreamworks people.

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><p><strong>Once Upon a Time, Part 2<strong>.

Lady looked at Perdy in complete dismay. "Fifteen at once!"

"Oh, yes," Perdy nodded. "I couldn't walk straight for weeks afterwards..."

"Oh, poor, poor dear..."

* * *

><p><strong>Sing Along<strong>.

They sat on the beach, sharing songs for the sheer amusement and enjoyment of it.

_"Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight. Now I'm here, suddenly I see. Standing here, it's all so clear. I'm where I'm meant to be, "_ Rapunzel sang.

_"I thought our love would be so beautiful. Somehow we'd make the whole world bright. I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong. All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night. But still my heart is saying we were right. For if I never knew you, "_Pocahontas sang.

_"I wonder, I wonder, I wonder why each little bird has a someone to sing to, sweet things to. A gay little love melody. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder if my heart keeps singing, will my song go winging to someone, who'll find me. And bring back a love song to me, "_ Aurora sang.

_"Some day when spring is here we'll find a love anew. And the birds will sing, and wedding bells will ring. Someday when my dreams come true, "_ Snow sang.

Then came Ariel's turn. She cleared her throat and began, _"Oh the waves roll low. And the waves roll high. And so it goes under a bright blue endless sky. Waves try to measure. Days that we treasure. Wave hello and wave goodbye."_

Then, startling all of them, a boat was seen and heard violently crashing in the distance against some massive shore rocks.

Ariel blushed and took a hand to her mouth. "Oh dear! I, I forgot, sometimes, that happens when _we_ sing..."

Elsa and Anna immediately stared at her.

"... wh-what?" Ariel weakly asked.

Elsa and Anna's stares only grew even fiercer.

* * *

><p><strong>It Happened in a Playground.<strong>

_Some time in the near future..._

"I'm going to be Thor!" Little Timmy announced.

"Then I'm Iron Man!" Jimmy said.

"I'm Captain America!" Mark jumped on the chance.

"And I'm Hulk!" Joey grinned.

Then two men in black suits stepped in between them.

"Excuse us," one of the men said, "We represent Marvel Comics Entertainment, a subsidiary of The Walt Disney Company. You are about to engage into unauthorized recreational usage of The Mighty Thor, Iron Man, Captain America and The Incredible Hulk, all copyrighted trademarks of Marvel Comics Entertainment, a subsidiary of The Walt Disney Company. You are hereby requested to abandon this copyright violation, or else legal actions will be undertaken against you and your representatives."

The four children stared at them helplessly, then turned around and walked away, crestfallen.

"In moments like these," one of the men asked the other, "don't you ever feel like there is a painful emptiness in your soul?"

"What's a soul?" the other man asked in turn.

* * *

><p><strong>What's There in a Name?<strong>

"So..." Belle asked him, "What's your real name, then?"

"My name?" the Prince asked.

"Yes, well... how did they call you before you were transformed? That's what I mean, of course."

He paused, looking troubled. "I honestly can't remember. It's been so long..."

Mrs. Potts shrugged. "'Beast' seemed to be a far more fitting name regardless, so..."

He snapped his fingers. "Oh! I remember now! It was... Eggmont!"

They all agreed to continue calling him Beast. Even himself.

* * *

><p><strong>Too Alike<strong>.

"Ah, Mushu," Mulan said as soon as she saw him walking back in. "How did it go?"

He made a gesture of pure frustration. "Don't ask me about it! Poor Cousin, always big in size, but so small of mind...! Just like the whole European branch of the family! It's bad enough she's marrying a _donkey_, but I had no idea a _donkey_ could be that obnoxious, unfunny, annoying, bothersome-"

* * *

><p>"- useless, stupid, dumb, idiotic, nosy and God, what an ugly, unbearable voice, too!" Donkey summed up, slamming both fore hooves against the table. That sent some of the green, slimy contents of Shrek's plate splattering against his face. "Oops, sorry. You eating that?"<p>

Shrek grunted, scooped the thick stain on his face up, and nosiily licked it off his fingers. "Yes. Yes, I am."

"Oh. Anyway, that's why I plan visiting China as little as possible! That, and the language barrier is really too much..."

"Wait a minute," Fionna said. "You weren't even understanding-"

* * *

><p>"- what the other one was saying?" Shang asked him.<p>

Mushu shrugged. "I really didn't need to. Geez, if I had **understood** him, I'd have tolerated him even less! So, um, are you eating that?"

* * *

><p><strong>A Moral<strong>.

"- and that's how Anna learned you never should decide you're going to marry a man and devote your whole life to him after knowing him for less than one day," Elsa finished her story, politely setting her emptied goblet down. She smiled gently. "And how I learned you never should let your own insecurities cloud your... hmmmm," she stopped herself. "Have I said anything I shouldn't have?"

Aurora, Snow, Cinderella, Ariel and Jasmine all quietly stared at her across the banquet table.

Anna rasped and stood up. "If you'll excuse me... I think I need to go refresh myself..."

* * *

><p><strong>You Wouldn't Understand<strong>.

"I don't understand this movie," Komori Kiri turned towards Nozomu. "Why would she ever want to _leave_ the tower?"

That was the last time they ever watched _Tangled_ together.

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><p><strong>Why Elsa Shouldn't Ever be a Plumber<strong>.

Anna sighed. "Okay. Before we continue discussing this topic, and before either I convince you to go back with me or you forcibly toss me out, and believe me, it's going to be the former, can I use your bathroom? I've been holding on for hours all the way up this mountain..."

"Oh... sure thing," Elsa nodded. "Go down those stairs, then two doors to the left after you reach the bottom."

"Thank you!" Anna said before rushing down those stairs.

After a few moments of waiting, Elsa was startled by a sudden shrill scream.

A short while later, Elsa peeked out her front door and told Kristoff and Olaf, "Would you please wait a little longer? It seems Anna is... stuck... for the moment."

Kristoff blinked. "Stuck, how?"

Anna's next scream shook the frozen hills. "EVEN THE TOILET, ELSA?! EVEN THE DARN TOILET?! YOU REALLY NEED HEL- OH GOD, THE PAPER AS WELL!"

* * *

><p><strong>Five Other Times Bambi Met Godzilla<strong>.

**One: Bambi Meets Berserker.**

The frail fawn stood before the glowing circle marked on the grass, staring in fascination at its glow. Finally, now, he had done it, with the magic of the forest itself. By summoning this creature, he would gain access to the wish of his heart, to be reunited with his mother...

The scaly giant that emerged from the circle stepped on him.

**Two: Highlander Meets Godzilla.**

The scaly giant stared down, mildly confused, at the tiny creature that stubbornly remained alive. Stomping on it hadn't killed it. Blowing nuclear breath on it hadn't killed it. Was this some sort of enemy kaiju, to be so resilient? Normally, they were a tad bigger...

He bit the immortal fawn's head off. Now that seemed to work.

**Three: First Fawn Meets Godzillasaurus.**

The Great Prince of the Forest turned away from him. "Thumper, bring Faline. This pilot won't do it."

"But sir, can she-?"

"I still can... pilot..." the female fawn tried to get up, muttering weakly.

Bambi sighed. "Very well, Father. I'll do it!"

Somehow, even inside of a gigantic four legged abomination, the strangely scaly Angel still managed to stomp on him.

**Four: Bambi Meets Godzilla Abridged.**

STOMP.

**Five: Bambi Meets Tsundere.**

The gigantic beast, which after all was Japanese, roared.

_"S-S-Stupid Fawn! It's, it's not like I wanted to step on you or anything! I only did it out of obligation!"_ translated the lead scientist analyzing the beast's sound patterns through the bunker's audiovisual feed.

He quickly was declared insane and tossed into containment.

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><p><strong>A Tiny Detail I Overlooked.<strong>

Elsa looked at her handwork, her perfect castle on the mountain, and smiled pleasantly to herself. That would be her domain for the rest of her life, a place to truly call her own, where she could live her existence as it truly should be, where-

Then that tiny voice at the back of her mind that sounded so much like Anna's simply asked _So, what are you going to eat all the way up here? Ice and snow?_

She sighed heavily, let her shoulders droop, and began walking back down the hill.

* * *

><p><strong>Reverse Psychology.<strong>

Mom was working on a crossword when Candace passed by next to her. "Oh, hey, dear. How are your brothers doing?"

"Ah, it's all fine," Candace carelessly said, heading to the fridge for a Coke. "Just sitting there doing nothing."

Mom gave her a startled look. "Nothing at all?"

"Nope. It's all as quiet as it can get. Yes sir, those boys sure can be boring at times. What a completely uneventful, average day!" she yawned while plopping down on a chair, can in hand.

Mom blinked several times, very slowly, and stood up. "Excuse me," she said, before running for the garden.

One moment later, there was a long shriek.

Candace smiled to herself.

* * *

><p><strong>Sibling Yin-Yang.<strong>

As she passed by, she realized Anna was holding a wooden stick between her hands and squeezing it tightly, her eyes closed and her mouth humming a low, hoarse "NNNNGHHH..."

Elsa stared on.

Finally, Anna seemed to notice her presence, as she opened her eyes and explained quickly, "Ah! Ah, this isn't what you're thinking! It's, it's just I was thinking, if you've got ice powers, maybe I also have my own powers. Maybe fire powers? And perhaps I'm a late bloomer, but maybe, if I concentrate enough and tap on my inner strength, I could burn this stick..."

"Ah... Okay, " Elsa said.

Anna closed her eyes again and went back to straining herself, squeezing the stick. "NNNN-GGHHHHH..."

After several more moments of staring, Elsa warily left the room.

"NNNNNGHHHHHH...!"

* * *

><p><strong>Happily Ever After<strong>.

The first thing Aurora did after seizing the throne was legalizing Threesome Lesbian Marriage.

Her adoptive fairy mothers were grateful.

* * *

><p><strong>Endless Summer.<strong>

Walking back from Mom's side, a defeated Candace stopped at Phineas and Ferb's side. "Better luck next time," Phineas said sincerely, not looking up from the last touches on his latest gizmo Candance didn't want to learn about.

"Cork it," his sister said. "Argh, I can't wait for this summer to be over already! At least then I'll spend more than half the day away from you. Say, why has this summer lasted so long, anyway? I'm starting to feel like it's lasted years..."

"Oh, that," Phineas said. "Actually, my latest readings and research have determined we're living through a seemingly unending recursion in time caused by a Japanese schoolgirl with divine powers."

"Very funny, Phineas," Candace said.

"No, I'm serious! I have been monitoring her and everything. Wanna see?"

Candace looked over Phineas' shoulder to look at his cellphone, and the images of three girls and two boys in swimsuits lounging around a public pool.

Candace sighed, then raised her voice, "MOM! PHINEAS AND FERB ARE LOOKING AT HALF NAKED GIRLS!"

* * *

><p><em>Across the ocean:<em>

"Data Entity Perry," Kimidori Emiri fell into a battle ready stance, flashing her knife. "Step aside. This time, you won't stop me from continuing Data Entity Asakura's work. This endless recursion in time must be stopped immediately..."

The platypus made a 'come on' gesture with a webbed hand.

Then the battle started.

* * *

><p><em>Back across the ocean:<em>

Dr. Doofenshmirtz looked at his wristwatch. "Curious. He should be here by now...!"

* * *

><p><strong>NEXT:<strong> How should I know? I write these things as they come to me!


End file.
